Just the facts

Hello, and welcome to the never ending fountain of knowledge that is Eccentric Spheres.

Today we once again dip our toes into the vast ocean of general knowledge and trivia, enjoy!

- After four years of eating Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries, a woman sued the distributor of Cap’n Crunch because she discovered that she was eating brightly-colored cereal balls and that “Crunchberries” aren’t a real fruit like she had thought.

- A 32,000 year old extinct Arctic flower was resurrected using seeds found by an Ice Age squirrel.

- Unlike James Bond, real MI6 agents don’t need a license to kill because everything they do outside the UK is already illegal. The UK spy agency makes Bond-like gadgets for operatives but, as one said after retiring; they “frequently fail to work upon arrival at our destination”.

- A young stripper named Shelly Bauman lost her leg in a freak confetti cannon accident. She sued and used the money from the settlement to open Seattle’s first gay bar, which she named “Shelly’s Leg.”

- On June 28, 2009, Stephen Hawking held a party open to all, complete with hors d’oeuvres and iced champagne, but only publicized the party after it was over so that only time-travelers would know to attend; as expected, nobody showed up to the party.

- George Washington feared the growing influence of political parties in the US. He thought that it would lead to “the alternate domination” of each party, taking revenge on each other in the form of reactionary political policies and that it would eventually cause the North and South to split.

- During a speech to senators intended to convince them that the dust bowl epidemic was a real issue, a massive dust cloud enveloped Washington DC, blackening the windows of the hearing and caking the room with dust. The Soil Conservation Act was passed later that year.

- The ancient Greeks didn’t wear pants because they found them “ridiculous”. The Romans didn’t wear them because it was seen as uncivilized and only Barbarians wore pants.

- In 1976 a Soviet pilot defected to Japan with one of their most advanced jet, a MiG-25P. They returned it after learning all its secrets with a $40k bill asking for the shipping fare and repair for the damage it caused to the runway.

- Webcams were invented because some computer scientists were too lazy to get up to check if their coffee was done.

That's that. Until next time, have an awesome week, and stay away from confetti cannons!

Lake Placid

Hello and welcome to a new installment of Eccentric Spheres!

Buckle up as we take a journey to a lovely place called Lake Placid. Well, to the movies called Lake Placid to be more precise. There is a real Lake Placid in New York state, but that's not why we're here.

The movies are all about impossibly large crocodiles that eat people in a lake in Maine. Then the heroes show up and stop them. That's it really. Not exactly rocket science...

The first film came out in 1999, but we won't be talking about that, cause it's been ten years since I saw it, and I didn't fancy watching it again. It started the whole thing, but it's the sequels we want, because my wife and I just binge watched them all.

There are four sequels so far, Lake Placid 2 (2007), Lake Placid 3 (2010), Lake Placid: The Final Chapter (2012) and Lake Placid vs Anaconda (2015).

Now to be fair, they're not totally awful. They know what they are about and they know what you want. They rely heavily on lousy CGI because crocodiles are dangerous and good CGI is expensive. The first two sequels were made on estimated budgets of 2 - 2.5 million dollars, so not a lot to go around. I don't know what the other two went for, but judging by the outcome, I'd say they are in the same ballpark. Apart from the CGI there are actually some (not many) decent actors here,so that's nice.

What I found interesting, is that although they sit squarely in the monster category of films, the crocs behave more like slashers. They always eat the “worst” people first. In a sense one could say the crocodiles have very traditional conservative morals. Poachers, Litterbugs, Peeping Toms, Insensitive Jackasses and Pretty Girls Who Take Their Tops Off are all on the menu very quickly. Sure, some “innocent” people are gulped up as well, but at a much more reduced rate.

The only recurring character is introduced in Lake Placid 3, the tough as nails, no nonsense poacher, Reba. In The Last Chapter, she works for Fish & Wildlife, and in vs Anaconda, she's the sheriff. She was a fun character, and really made the movies better. But sadly the character was badly written in vs Anaconda. All her glorious snark was missing. A tragedy if you ask me.

For being movies that all hover just above the three star line on IMDB, they are surprisingly watchable. Just make some popcorn, crack open a cold drink, sit back and enjoy. If you don't want to sit through all of them, watch Lake Placid 2 and Lake Placid: The Final chapter. They are the best ones overall in my opinion. Lake Placid 3 is okay but vs Anaconda is pretty awful.

There you have it, six hours of entertainment, if you can stomach it, so until we meet again, have a great week, and stay away from crocodiles!

Shaking like a leaf

My wife and I decided to watch a movie, and since we're both excited to play the new Conan Exiles game by Funcom, we thought we'd watch the Conan movie from 2011 as neither of us had seen it.

Opinions are mixed on the original Conan the Barbarian (1982) with Arnold Schwarzenegger, but please trust me when I say it is infinitely superior than this garbage.

This is not a review piece, there's no real point to review it, it's too sad. Conan (2011) has a great cast of solid experienced actors, and the props are mostly good, as is the CGI, but the rest? The script is horrible and the film itself is terrible. The movie jumps all over the place and I got flashbacks to the Star Wars prequels (Ep. 1-3). Like George Lucas, Conan's director Marcus Nispel wasn't up to the task. There's the seed of a good movie hiding amongst the jump cuts and shaky action scenes, but you're going to have to find it yourself.

And here we come to the core of today's subject matter: bad action scenes. It should be said that breaking or subverting the rules can be a tremendously effective tool, if you know what you're doing. If you don't, you get a hot mess instead of a hot piece.

Conan has this in spades. The camera shakes and jumps and the entire movie is made up of super fast cuts. It seems that Mr. Nispel got his start directing music videos and it shows. But a movie is not a music video where you have only minutes instead of hours. The average music video is about four minutes long, but when you have almost two hours, you can take a bit of time to establish things.

I'm linking a video from the Youtube channel Rossatron, please watch it, because he explains so much better than I can how detrimental the modern trend to use shaky cam to film action scenes is.

I am growing seriously tired of all the shaky and dark action scenes that have infested modern action cinema. I hate not being able to tell what is going on. It's cheaper and easier, sure, but if the director can't shoot good action scenes in your action movie, don't give him the job!

I'm getting to the point where I'd rather go backwards and re-watch old action movies because they are simply better! Die Hard, First Blood, Lethal Weapon, The Terminator, and a whole pile of Asian action films, most of the from Hong Kong, are great. You understand the story, you can follow the action and at the end of the day, you feel satisfied.

Seriously Hollywood, I'm sick of this. Get your act together!

Well that's enough ranting for one day. Until next we meet, go watch a good action movie and have yourself a great week! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTNPtW0Le6U

Why a remake? Why not?

Last week I talked about Pusher and it's inferior remake. Then I watched this video about remakes and when they should be made.

My first knee-jerk reaction was: Never! But then I thought about it and had to amend my opinion. I have in fact enjoyed remakes, sometimes even more than the originals. Example: The Fly (1986) is in my opinion far superior to the 1958 version. Not only do we have 28 years separating the two versions, but vast increases in movie making technology.

The video talks about passion, and I agree completely that passion is absolutely paramount when it comes to creating remakes, but I think there needs to be more than that.

Time is essential. Movies age at different rates and that's not just down to when they were made, although that is important. Generations are important. A parent who loved an original can take his/her kids to see the new version and appreciate and debate it together. Beyond the generations comes technology and how the world has changed. During certain periods the world changes very quickly and at other times nothing really happens. A rapid shift allows for earlier remakes than otherwise. The advent of the internet is an example of how things change at a brisk pace, and how we suddenly do things in new ways. This can give a reason to retell a story.

Let's take Oceans 11. The original was made in 1960, and the remake 2001. That's 41 years difference. Not only has the generations and their celebrities shifted, everything has changed. It's a completely different world, and a remake was well in order.

Compare Oceans 11 to the Batman franchise. Back in 1966 there was the Adam West TV series so when Tim Burton made Batman in 1989, it was due. Then the sequels came, in 1992, 1995 and 1997. Besides the 1997 Batman & Robin being atrocious, we don't have an issue here. Until Christopher Nolan made Batman Begins in 2005. (With sequels in 2008 and 2012).

Batman Begins is a good movie but it is a relaunch of the franchise. That's 16 years since Batman and only eight years since the last movie over all. Way too soon to retell the origins of the caped crusader. If it had been a bad movie it would have been a disaster, but Nolan pulled it off.

Okay, to be absolutely fair, Batman Begins is not a carbon copy remake of Burton's Batman, but an origin story is an origin story, and we all know how Bruce Wayne became Batman.

Beyond time, we have geography. There are many examples of Asian movies being remade in the West (usually the U.S.) and at times this can be very valid. East and West functions differently in many ways and sometimes a remake is smarter than dubbing. Martin Scorsese's The Departed (2006) is a remake of Infernal Affairs (2002) . Instead of Hong Kong we get Boston, and in general issues we in the west are familiar with. Nuances are often lost when watching films from the other side of the world. I have seen several Asian movies and enjoyed them greatly, but I always wonder what I missed.

We can't ignore the genre shift either. Sergio Leone's A Fistful of Dollars (1964) is a remake of Kurosawa's Yojimbo (1961). Only three years between them but we have both a geographical and a genre shift. Another example is how Kurosawa's Hidden Fortress (1958) became Star Wars: A New Hope (1977). These are more than valid reasons to remake movies, because you bring something new to the table.

But why remake Robocop? The Ladykillers? The Omen? Point Break? Poltergeist? Easy money, that's why. Remakes have been a part of the movie industry as long as there has been a movie industry, but the remakes have been coming at us faster and more frequently than ever, and that's a problem. Yes, new original moves are being made, good ones too, but unless Hollywood finds their spines in whatever drawer they lost them, the move industry is going to stagnate more and more.

Okay, enough rambling. My ultimate point is, remakes aren't always a bad thing. Just usually.

So until next time, have a fun and original week!

The video in question: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ffu1dWHDy7k